perspectives

So poignant, so now, so me..(without the dick, although I do have one, he’s currently passed out in my bed)

I.J. Keddie

i kinda hate everybody right now
no exceptions especially myself
yes that does include you
a stinking mess of judgements
false meanings and false walls
your standards are not mine
a perspective around closed doors
our dicks are not the same
should i make myself vomit
maybe remove all my body hair
you painted this hell for no reason
only to whitewash it the next day
drum roll please as we smile
this may never happen again

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Laughing At Entropy – poem

It’s noise pollution in my head
Oh I’m still hearing what you said
I can’t erase the marks you left
My tender psyche so distressed
It’s not the truth
It’s half a lie
I’m still not sure
If i,ll survive
But hardened hearts make soldiers souls it seems you traded yours for gold
What grace will keep your ancient bones from dust?

Yes hardened hearts
Make snipers souls
What profit gained
Leaks from the whole.

I have a lie that could be true
If only I could capture you
One fateful year, one yesterday
As one we both felt instantly
Like gravity, energy, genesis
laughing hard at entropy
You and me, mystery,
So divinely down to earth
More true than breath

Ash

When all my thoughts have turned to ash
When every page has read it’s last
When I let go that final gasp
That holds the curtain closed
My eyes won’t see and my ears won’t hear
And the pain moves on
As far as I’ve been told
But what in the world do I know now
I think ill miss myself
When I’m not around
Didn’t get to say
All the words I made
Then they all escaped
Like I’d always feared they would.

And my heart won’t fear
Because my soul can’t bleed
But I do believe I shall behold
Those dreams I saw
But had to let go.

Help is Always At Hand

I’ve been thinking today about how much help I’ve had raising my kids. So much! I’m not one of those people who cope brilliantly most of the time , in fact, I would estimate that at least fifty percent of the time I have needed a little, or a lot, of help.

This will be the first birthday party I have organised in four years, and my younger sister has been there on all that time, baking and decorating and inviting and making games and drinks and food. She has got kids of her own, two beautiful kids, and two jobs… But she never complains. Complaining is all I do sometimes!

My youngest sister , who just had another baby, bringing her total to three great kids, well she and her husband look after my teenaged son. He has lived with them since he was about six. They have had him since they got married.

Then there’s my other half, Danial , who had to quit his job when I had our daughter. From day dot he has had to take on a job not many men are brave enough to do, bringing up a baby. And he cares for me, doing the things I can’t do for myself.

But it makes me see how much more dependent on them I am than I’d like to be. I think I grew up a fairly independent person, and I like to be able to do things for myself and learn new things. Well the bipolar pretty much took care of me. Smacked me down so far that I’m a completely different person. I don’t know how much of what I learn I will be able to remember. Once I have my manic episodes, a lot of hard earned knowledge usually goes flying like a brick fireplace out of a third storey window. It’s not pretty , ill tell you. I get tied up on words, I know what I’m thinking but it doesn’t come out of my mouth, or ill blend words, or say ” cucumber you can cook” when I mean zucchini. And these effects can last for a while after the episodes as well. Sometimes I feel really retarded. And stupid. And useless.

But this is what I have to learn to deal with. And I’ve got so many great people around me who cope with it too. I have to remember when I feel alone and sad, that I’m really held in a complex net of people and resources. I just have to be brave and ask for the help I need.

Do you have people supporting you ? You may not need as much help as I do, but everybody needs somebody once in a while!

Reach out, chances are, there’s already someone out there reaching out to you.

Have a good, well supported day!

Too Busy To Give A Blog

Is there a Guinness World Record or something for ridiculous tags on blogs? What must Google et al be thinking of me? Does Google think? And if Google does, would it talk behind my back about me to The Internet while I wasn’t looking?
I try not to look-its often much easier to live with your eyes closed!

And, this.. Is what happens when I think too hard…

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So I try not to do it too often.

I’ve been SO very busy and horribly productive ( esp. For a lazy arse like me!) but have neglected my pledge to blog each day this November. I’m sure you must have been beside yourselves with utter despair in both hearts from missing out on my posts, but I’m sure you’ll get over it when I tell you what I’ve gone and got done.

I have:
Researched grants and funding sources for The Creative Collective, my grassroots Original Live Music Movement.

Come up with a few simple ideas on how to reinvigorate said Original Live Music scene Locally.

Fended off about three packets of extremely delicious confectionery and ate fruit instead.

Got a gig half organised .. Two of them in fact.

Found, with the assistance of a few friends in the know, a venue for our first Songwriters Showcase.. And sent out about seven other requests.

Played a gig.. Went off like snot rockets! ( that means good in my brain.. You’ll just have to trust me for now I might share the genesis of ‘snot rockets later when you’re bored!)

Managed to get enough sleep and rest not to go Manic. Managed to stay awake for long enough to get some amazing balls rolling in fabulous directions, too!

It has been an exhausting month-long-week! And there was a point when I questioned my sanity more than once in the space of an hour. But I asked myself a few good questions, answered them calmly, then decided it was nothing a good long sleep wouldn’t alleviate. Now, if you don’t have Bipolar disorder, you may be thinking ” asked and answered your self??” And ” if you need to ask yourself if you’re crazy then you probably are certifiable!”
But ill let you in on a secret.. Asking myself these questions makes a BIG difference to being able to effectively manage my moods and my headspace.
I used to let things get so hectic that I wouldn’t even notice the crazy coming on. Now that I understand my triggers, my need to have ‘drift’ time and the importance of self-talk, I feel way more confident.
It is hard for my family to watch me getting stuff done and being happy, coz they associate these active and productive phases with manic episodes. It has taken me a long time to give myself permission to enjoy the ‘driven’ times in my life.. I have always associated them with the ensuing manic episodes they precede. But I’m managing to stop escalating episodes, haven’t had a hospital incarceration in about five years now! And I’m only on a minimal dose of Seroquel now, I do increase it slightly for a few days if I feel I’m slipping out of control a bit.
One of my best pieces of advice for managing bipolar is Know Your Meds, and find a psychiatrist you can work with, who will explain things.
You can keep a mood diary.. But I always start them then forget to keep up with it, so I’ve switched to asking the key questions of myself and teaching my family members how to manage me too.. You can’t manage a mood disorder on your own, it’s like swimming with no limbs!

The other ( last) thing I would like to mention is self image. For a long time I was defined by my talents and abilities, then when I got bipolar I was defined by my illness. Sometimes when I think of the horrid way I used to mentally abuse myself constantly about how I was ” stupid, idiot, moron, batshit crazy, useless” etc i am not surprised that I curled up and tried to die. We need to make the effort to tone down nasty self-talk, it really is a key factor in mental health wellness!

A new song in progress

Walking on pretty breeze
And it’s blowing through your hair
Smells like religion
And oh I believe

You’re telling me a story
And I don’t give a damn
But it’s not hard to listen
With you sitting there

Come on over baby
Let me whisper in your ear
We got a lot to talk about
But what I want is clear

Tripping in through the doorway
At God knows when AM
All I can think about is going out again
I want to take you everywhere
Bring you home again
Get myself in trouble
Just so you can watch me beg

Come just a little closer honey
Let me whisper in your ear
I haven’t got a lot to say
But I’ve got some good ideas

Tripping over simple things
Forgot all my clever lines
Lost my attention
I left it right between your thighs

Finding hidden meaning
Everywhere I turn
Halfway to demented
Coz girl you make me squirm

Come on over later
I’ve got some ideas
We can just start dancing
You can hold me by the ears

Come on over baby
Let me whisper in your ear
I’d like to get to know more of you
Especially how you feel!